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Casey's Adventures in Wonderland, the Annotated Chronicles

Poems














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I did it to lengthen their time

Texture of the winds like mists from evaporated tears

Shead with smiles

The atmostphere resounded with the sound of silent laughter

We’ve forgotten how to hear

In this place, no strangers for me

I did it to strengthen it’s thread in this world

The promises made I still hold true

I would do it again, in every chance of every moment

I did it to hold onto someone

I did it to save myself

Dolls cracked skin at the base of every step

Of each crumbling staircase

My reflective toys

 

I am the daughter of the waste land

Haunted houses and demons I call father

 

Dark talents run in the family

As I shatter the ice to let the moonlight in

 

I hold the moth and mend it’s wing

I am the spring rain and the hurricane

It’s the nightmares that cower now

Not me

Not you

Ravens lay curled like sleeping cats in my lap

My hammock sways in snow

I moved to glass to push the possessed out

 

Foot prints turn to paw prints

Waistless dancers combre

Dark feathers for hair in twisted buns

Much tidier than her fur

 

I kneel beside my friends in R.E.M.

Who pluck my silver strands

In hopes more will come instead

To line the nest

Of those who live in murder

Step with me

Tear down the walls

Within your conscience

 

So I can lead

And follow

Past this pain of souls

 

They can take

And keep they’re secrets

Deepness of words

And life

And loss

Of life

 

For each of them

Clears the walls

I Was Killed Once

 

 

I did it to escape

Air around me like silken razor wire

Weather was hazy with thoughts

They’re non-existent selves, strangers I knew well

I did it to stop and start the breath

His promises made then broken

I fear I would do it again

I did it to finish what he started

I did to open my eyes

Eyes burning up from water

They wonder

Will he withstand them?

Wanting only to destroy loneliness

Not the mortal man

 

Strong arms held in gentle, deceiving hands

As if it was the thing that would crumble

Like ashes touched by skin

 

Will he

Wont he

Break among us

And our solitude

 

Watching on in apprehension

Fear, loathing, anticipation

 

Waiting for the break of water-like-glass

When denied inevitability comes to pass

Ceromancy

 

Candle poised over water

Flame licking at wax

Partials accumulating

Like water observing adhesion

The drop falls and what was once solid

Now liquid

Striking liquid

To return to the solid

And reveal something to me

(not writen by me, but done by a beautiful girl whom I am  too selfish to give up her diary link ^^ but it fits my feelings now)

 

this is the sound
of the snap
lost grip
of your other hand
this is the way it feels
when you are struck from behind
in a wide open field of more pleasant possibilities
this is what it tastes like
when you accept defeat
and stand smoldering
on tarmac with a paintbrush
and a gun

and butterflies
smell like hair
when they flutter exhausted by
and caterpillar viscera feels cool spring green
between your toes
when you are finally too tired to watch
for the fragile
too tired
to tape up the cracks
too tired to patch all the
branch scratches

this is where you knot your wild hair
and chisel the marble
in all the wrong places
until finally it cracks
deliciously

In half.

THE INVITATION

Oriah Mountain Dreamer,

Indian Elder

 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

 

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

For love

For your dream

For the adventure of being alive.

 

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring

Your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center

Of your own sorrow

If you have been opened by life’s betrayals

Or have become shriveled and closed

From fear of further pain.

 

I want to know if you can sit with pain

Mine or your own

Without moving to hide it

Or fade it

Or fix it.

 

I want to know if you can be with joy

Mine or your own

If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you

To the tips of your fingers and toes

Without cautioning us

To be careful

To be realistic

To remember the limitations of being human.

 

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another

To be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

And not betray your own soul.

 

If you can be faithless

And therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

Even when it is not pretty every day..

And if you can source your own life

From its presence.

 

I want to know if you can live with failure

Yours and mine

And still stand on the edge of the lake

And shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

 

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live

Or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after a night

Of grief and despair

Weary and bruised to the bone

To do what needs to be done

To feed the children.

 

It doesn’t interest me who you know

Or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

In the center of the fire with me

And not shrink back.

 

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom

You have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

From the inside

When all else falls away.

 

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself

And if you truly like the company you keep

In the empty moments.

Thousands of shadows gather round
Afraid to lean in too close
Afraid to cast their cool air
On the sweltering masses that line the halls

But I can't complain
I'm just like them
With skin drained by layers of frost
Eyes held shut, ignoring the cold
I exhale my crystals of ice
Creating an orb of discontent
For all to avoid

But the masses still jostle past
Avoiding the cold
Yet adding to the turmoil
In my distastful sphere
In a gust of agony
I'll break free with my silver shards
Leaking into the warm masses

Drowning in what I can't become part of
But I can't complain
I was just like them...

 

Time has no hands when moments are gone

The vast openness left unkind, hollow as the empty glass

I once knew the many languages to bring you here

The trace of my tongue against your desire

Was nothing more than the burgeoning colors of sunrise, sunset

Yellow, fire red

Across the womb of your flesh-like wanting

Of taste

Of elements

That I could spin a web of sanctity

Which no spending of minutes could go beyond

No prison of age, or solidity,

No inconstant between the balance of light in your eyes

And Pillars, are made from the validation of your hands

Taking gentle turns upon my skin.

a feeling never fully leaves you

nothing is ever really done

a constantly revolving circle

the moon always chasing the sun

inside out and running scared

no one left at all

saying there won't be a jump

ignoring the obvious fall

an hour that never ends

another that goes too fast

always reaching for what's not there

something that will last

sensations are disturbing

exceeding the numbing cold

flying high inside the mind

buying only what can't be sold

keep the distance where it is

constantly tempted to rearrange

always a need to be held

don't touch what cannot change

stranger places that i've never been

too much to know to say

closing the door on the world

hoping to fade away

She spins gold out of the tears in her eyes

she spins circles in the dust

she sings songs of hope and of life

even though death is all she trusts

she sinks down deeper within

the mud beneath her skin

made by her blood

but even during this painful fall from grace

she still reaches for the stars

wishing she could be half as beautiful as they are

from below where their eyes can never see

she spins webs to catch the rain

alrhough it has been so long since

she has allowed herself to sleep

she still dreams of dreaming

dance in this world little girl

so that I can have some shred of dignity

for as tight as I clench my trembling hands

whatever strength I think I have

always seems to leave me

when I need it most

come and spin your magic for me

my precious

beloved ghost

scars for you

these are all I can call my own

anything to keep

from feeling so terribly alone

 

 

Bathed in darkness, a serene lullaby.

Lost in eternal surrender, soothed by your sigh.

There is emptiness and pain filled tears

Coursing through an unforgiving world.

Stay true and hold on with me

In the darkness of eternity.

Drifting through infinity,

No regrets, no good-byes.

I wait here looking toward the horizon

Praying for the dawn of your love.

Dazzling lights and velvet shadows

Dancing on the steadfast walls.

Breathing deeply, crying softly

There is no release from this love.

Into eternity and the darkness of your eyes

Drowning swiftly into a pleasant demise.

Your eyes sing to me; such a restless melody.

I'm here, I always will be, come to me...

When you're ready....come to me....

When you realize....come to me....

When you feel me...come to me...

I will be the answer

At the end of the line

I will be there for you

Why take the time

In the burning of uncertainty

I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance

If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Because I can only tell you that I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a

Place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

And break choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Because I can only tell you that I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind



alone in the house
my heart can finally breath
yet my body does not move
 
alone in my bed
i long for his warmth beside me
yet i yearn for the silence of only me
 
alone with my thoughts
my mind races and stumbles
over the warped and cracked terrain
 
alone and yet so busy
trying to fix my life
without getting out of this bed
 
alone in my room
warmed by the sunlight streaming through
and wishing to be part of the morning that's so alone without me
 

It was in the way she described admiration.

Of how despite the on lookers, and sweet hand written notes, and men who pleasured themselves with thoughts of her. That she was still alone.

That, staring up at the water, as it cascaded down her uneven naked body, blinding her vision into nothing more than a burning sensation, was still, the only gratification she understood.

The words were never meant to be scrutinized. Her voice was never meant to be pulled apart from her throat. Her body, never meant to be the platform in which everything was desecrated, immortalized, and loved by those who never even cared to learn her name.

These images left here, pulled from my sedations, and through my fingertips, were only ever meant to find you. To speak slowly, and quietly into the darkness, with hands flat on the frigid window's face. To break apart the rotten flesh of the fruit, and emancipate the core of all which is good, and true, and belonging.

was this all I was ever meant for ?



She...She is nothing, she is everything.

She wanders, she sees. She is the daughter of nature, of innocence.

She is of balence of life of death or dark of light. The spirits walk with her, the angels hold her in her sleep.

Her dreams are mesages. Her existance is impossible, yet nessisary for anything to be real.

Water is silver by moonlight, as is blood black by it, these are things she knows very well.

She is older than time. She is young as a child. She is pure.

She is impossible.

Her tears are pure and of healing. Her blood is scared. Her voice is of the angels, the phoenix, the wolf. She is was is and never will be. She is alone and lonely.

She is me

 

 

 

When your near me I am safe.

 

 Nothing and no one can touch me.

The only ones I fear are you in a way and my self.

 

My uncertainty.

 

 That makes me fear you and want you…and miss you most of all.

 Your always in my thoughts and dreams. I know you dream of me to…I hope you think about me as much as I think of you.

 

I want to let you know that even though a lot of things have changed, and even more will, my feelings for you have stayed the same through thick and thin.

 

Even though I have tried to change that fact to dull the pain.

 

They haven’t changed…and they never never will.

 

 

 

We couldn't say them

So now we just pray them

Words that we couldn't say

Funny ain't it

Games people play

Scratch it paint it

One in the same

We couldn't find them

So we tried to hide them

Words that we couldn't say

It hurts don't it

Fools on parade

Taint it own it

Chase it away

We couldn't make them

So we had to break them

Words that we couldn't say

Sometimes baby

We make mistakes

Dark and hazy

Prices we pay

I sit here on my shelf

Just talking to myself

Words that we couldn't say

Someday maybe

We'll make it right

Until that day

Long endless nights

We couldn't say them

So now we just pray them

Words that we couldn't say

We couldn't say them

So now we just pray them

Words that we couldn't say

Someday maybe

We'll make it right

Until that day

Long endless nights

We couldn't say them

So now we just pray them

Words that we couldn't say

catherine20mcintyre202.jpg

SILENTLY WALKED AWAY

you were

a constant presence in the dark recesses of my mind.

i needed you.

and you, me.

we would talk together

laughing

crying

whispering softly in the darkness

while our peers slept around us,

a gentle moth with its own light,

attracting fawning admirers. friends. lovers.

but i was your confidante.

social butterfly,

flitting easily from crowd to crowd,

i adored you then,

exalted, even idolized you,

but times have changed.

you have changed.

not what you used to be,

the die of fate tossed,

the autumn leaves fall from gloomy skies,

i, no longer your scurrying page.

having come into my own,

and watching you

with hardened eyes,

as you strode silently away.

-for my love, who left along time ago...

I might leave

Or vanish for a while

Just slide into my surroundings

And disappear

Let the world take me

Have me

Without being had

Let it sweep me away

Let it keep me

And take me away

Away from this place

Away from me

And away from all of you

Because though loving you is amazing

It just makes it hurt more in the end

When you leave me

Maybe this means

I let my emotions own me

That I might let my heart lose the fight

Or might let go of you

Or might hold on too tight…

You see it all boils down to just this

It’s me I hate

And that, I can escape

But there are two sides of my heart

And one has to die

And the other must survive…

And I can’t decide

If either of them are

Anything worth living for

Or letting myself live with

I might leave

Or vanish for a while

Just slide into my surroundings

And disappear

I wonder, I wonder

If vanishing

Is as amazing as it seems

In my head

When I dream of my great escape

Of escaping this world

This world, and myself



Sleep is a necessary sacrifice

For Vanity

She lives within the rays of light

Spectral sight

Reflected + refracted

Bleeding and contracted

She sees herself reflected in babies' eyes

One light in the black sky

A black haired girl with Ocean Blue eyes

The future must be female

Streaks of purple Love cut across the porcelain face of humanity

Iridescent hate

Ephemeral Love


















When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.